FIC: Deck the Halls (PG, Van Helsing, Gabriel/Dracula)

[winter]

Fandom: Van Helsing, brief mention of Tanz der Vampire
Length: 900+ words
Rating: PG
Summary: ariss_tenoh is evil. Gabriel wants to sue for moral damages. Unashamed seasonal crackfic.
Disclaimer: None of the characters are mine. Though I wouldn't mind having Von Krolock :D


DECK THE HALLS, for ariss_tenoh




Van Helsing pinched his own thigh, but he still wasn't sure it wasn't all a dream. Part of it was the fact he was facing a resurrected Count Dracula, part of it was the holly and ivy and tinsel sneaking up the walls of the icy fortress they were standing in, but most of it was what he'd just heard from the vampire's lips.

"You're hosting a Christmas party?"

"The Winter Revels are not just a party, Gabriel." Gesturing passionately, Dracula looked almost as awe-inspiring as before, despite the tinsel in his hair. "They're the most important social gathering in the year. Twelve days of entertainment and conversation, with all quarrel and combat forbidden, the only chance our kind gets to sit down and discuss things. This is where policy is shaped, Gabriel, the one event that dictates all that happens through the year!"

Van Helsing wondered how this all related to the stuffed robins attached to various surfaces by means of lengths of twine.

"Besides," Dracula continued, "the Revels are usually held elsewhere, by one of the Poles or Hungarians or Russians. It's been centuries since they were in Romania, and this is my chance to show up that insufferable idiot."

"The idiot?" Even with the holes in his mind, Van Helsing could recall at least a dozen personages that had merited that epithet from his volatile prince at various times.

"Von Krolock. He's German, he's just a Graf, his castle isn't even his, because it was built by my great-grandfather, he's never done anything except read books and throw balls, he's barely three hundred years old! You tell me how he managed to become the social star of the Romanian vampire scene. And they call him a Duke, would you believe that – while they call me just a Count!"

Any logical remarks about comparative danger of getting a book thrown at you and being skewered by one of the swords and sharpened sticks Dracula always had on hand were sure to draw ire of the pointy kind, so Van Helsing kept his mouth wisely shut.

"Anyway, this is a big chance. Von Krolock's last two balls were disasters – last year he chose some peasant boys for victims and they fainted dead away, no sport at all, and this year two wannabe vampire hunters actually crashed the ball and got away with the chosen victim. Not for long, mind you, but still. If I bring off everything without a hitch, I will have my rightful place as the head vampire in all Romania, and Von Krolock will be a laughing stock!"

"I think I recall defeating you a few months ago," Van Helsing ventured. "That won't have an impact on your plan?"

"Not-" Dracula whirled triumphantly, sending tinsel flying "-if you are at my side when the guests arrive."

It was a long swim back to Italy, the vampire hunter told himself. And Dracula was the kind who'd freeze the ocean around him out of sheer vindictiveness.

"Besides, Gabriel, look at the end results. My sworn enemies are dead, so are my brides, but it's not like I can't get new ones, it took me less than a month to annoy Lucifer enough to kick me out of Hell again, and I finally managed to jog your memory. Oh, and Lucifer says hi."

Mute nodding seemed to be a viable tactic for the time being.

"I've already ordered clothes for you – trust me, I had ample opportunity to estimate your size." The smile on Dracula's face was far too close to a leer for Van Helsing's comfort. "You can keep that pet friar, but he has to stay in the library. He'll be safe, the only one likely to go there is Von Krolock and his brood, and their standards aren't that low. You just stand around, look impressive and glare at people if they talk to you. Just like the old times."

Another step back, and Van Helsing would end up bumping into the lavishly decorated Christmas tree, so a verbal answer was in order. "What does all that have with the message that was sent to the Vatican? About you trying to bring around the end of the world?"

"Mistranslation of a Christmas invitation." Dracula waved his hand dismissively. "I should have written it in Latin, maybe the papists would have understood that."

Van Helsing took stock of the situation as he circled the room to buy himself time. Dracula didn't seem to be plotting anything murderous just now. Carl was a hostage in the library, though an ecstatically happy one the last time he'd emerged, and the friar had even managed a civil conversation with Dracula on the merits of various alloys for storing dangerous chemicals. Van Helsing's brief was to prevent Dracula from ending the world, and the Vatican crowd would be bound to appreciate intelligence gathered at a council of all dark supernaturals of Central and Eastern Europe. All this clearly indicated his path.

"Okay," he ventured.

Dracula smiled widely, showing fangs, and grabbed Van Helsing in an exuberant Slavic hug. The impact drove the vampire hunter a few steps back until he was leaning against a doorframe, and he was about to ask what that was all about when Dracula's eyes flickered upwards.

The doorframe was decorated with mistletoe, and this was precisely the wrong moment for Gabriel's memory of certain events to make an appearance.

At least it meant he remembered where to put his hands when Vlad kissed him.


~FINIS~

Comments

[smtfhw.livejournal.com]

Very funny! I especially like the stuffed robins!

[winter]

Count yourself lucky I didn't get to describing the menu :>

[ariss-tenoh.livejournal.com]

*dies laughing*
I'll comment once I can stop laughing^_~

[winter]

Just a word of warning: Gabriel is out for vengeance ;)

[fyrie.livejournal.com]

Bahahah! brilliant plotting on Dracula's part :D You have his sense of humour fabulously :)

[winter]

Thankee :) Vlad-darling is a tactical genius, after all!

[fyrie.livejournal.com]

*makes a note to watch the film again soon*

Also, am all manner of amused by the fact that King Caspian from my beloved old Chronicles of Narnia TV series is the chap playing - briefly - Frankenstein.

[winter]

Heh, don't remind me. The story of how Viktor Frankenstein came to work for Dracula is another that's been on my to-write list for a loooong time...

[fyrie.livejournal.com]

Whatever you write, I'm sure it'll be a billion times better than that abysmal novel of the film. Honestly, I think they dig up the worst possible writers and have them write the novelisations. I have yet to read a good one.

[winter]

The Revenge of the Sith ones was pretty fun, if a little heavy on fancy prose manoeuvres. But coming back to Van Helsing, would you mind giving me a synopsis of what they came up with re: Viktor? Just to give me a jumping point ^_^

[fyrie.livejournal.com]

Basically, it follows the Frankenstein story to a point - before he manages to create the 'creature' obviously, then along comes the Count and puts a mind-whammy on him, (plus it includes in the whole "can't come in unless invited" vampire tradition) making him more obsessed and determined to succeed in his 'great work'.

Apparently, it goes on for some time, with his friends and family gradually being forced out of his life by his madness until he's sure the Count is his only and most trusted friend.

This mind control trick, though, is only removed when little Victor has outlived his usefulness and then becomes aware of the Count's real meaning and behaviour.

I think that's pretty much it. Could re-read the first chapter of the book, but when all I can recall is one the one line "sh turned into a white-dressed woman in white", I feel pain.

[winter]

Ugh, I see what you mean. But still, that gives me a lot to work with :>

[yunafire.livejournal.com]

'The bat transformed into a beautiful dark-haired girl with dark hair'. I seriously had to re-read that line in the novel. I think the author only liked Viktor, as the first chapter is the only really good one of the book. Then everything else is textbook: sounds bad, and doesn't really mean anything.

Viktor/Dracula would be a nice pairing to indulge in. Viktor's obsession and insistence of Dracula being his only friend is by itself enough to merit fantasies of the slashy nature. And unlike Anne Rice's vamps, tis already canon Dracula can, ahem, mate ^_~

to the OP: Wonderful story with great humor. Being captive in the library...oh what a horrible fate for our dear Friar (who, I wager, shall never ascend to complete monkhood).

The being kicked out of hell and 'Lucifer says hi' bit really had me giggling. And mistletoe!! Can't go an X-Mas without it, now can we?

[calatha.livejournal.com]

Hehehehehe. XD

[winter]

/bows

I'm glad to have been entertaining :D

[arabwel.livejournal.com]

*gigggle*

You managed to make Dracula both warm and fuzzy feeling-causing and totally IC: Go you! :D

[winter]

It wasn't even that hard to get him started :D

Between his over-the-shoulder comments whenever I'm watching or listening to Tanz and the fact I'm currently reading Emily Post, this fic wrote itself.

[carveus.livejournal.com]

*rofl*

Oh, awesome! And kudos for the Fearless Vampire Killers references!

[winter]

Thanks :) I'm a recently converted rabid fan of the musical version of the movie (see icon), so Krolock et all get everywhere...

[carveus.livejournal.com]

...There's a musical......?

*faints*

[winter]

Of course there is. Site here and my blabbering here (and that's after the first time, I've been twice since, and on the third time Krolock OMGtotally noticed me - I've run into the actor since at another cast member's recital and he kept giving me those "where do I know her from" looks).

I'll have to get home before I find the link for the German version soundtrack, but it's brilliant. Steve Barton (the first Raoul in Phantom of the Opera) was the original Krolock. And never mind the Broadway version, because it had totally inappropriate crossdressing and phallic jokes and overweight Michael Crawford, and no wonder it flopped.

Uh, I did mention I'm obsessed?

:)

[roxanaroxa.livejournal.com]

Funny little story with my favorite shipping. Write more D/G... please! :->

Re: :)

[winter]

Heh, I've written a few already :) And I'm always on the lookout to write more - Dracula's one of my eternal favourites, and Gabriel is his perfect companion, strong enough not to get swept over by the tide of Dracula's personality.

Re: :)

[roxanaroxa.livejournal.com]

Dracula's one of my eternal favourites, and Gabriel is his perfect companion, strong enough not to get swept over by the tide of Dracula's personality.

Wow... exactly my opinion!! And also a perfect statement what makes D/G so interesting... ;->

[(Anonymous)]

Oh I LOVED it! Dracula's lines were excellent. You are very talented, it's nice to see another Van/Drac slasher around ^_^
I have a Van/Drac site and if you wouldn't mind, could I post your story on it? I would shower cookies on you!
Anywho, excellent story mon amie.

^^

[roxanaroxa.livejournal.com]

It's nice to see another Van/Drac slasher around.

Hehe... The more the better. ^^

Re: ^^

[life-of-amesu.livejournal.com]

indeed, I think there needs to be more people for the pairing as it's ashamedly under-represemted

[life-of-amesu.livejournal.com]

Sorry I wasn't logged in when I posted my comment >.>
__
Oh I LOVED it! Dracula's lines were excellent. You are very talented, it's nice to see another Van/Drac slasher around ^_^
I have a Van/Drac site and if you wouldn't mind, could I post your story on it? I would shower cookies on you!
Anywho, excellent story mon amie.

[winter]

Oooh, sure, I'm flattered! If you do, just mention that more of my work can be found on my site Beth's Miscellany http://www.extenuation.net/misc :)

[life-of-amesu.livejournal.com]

I sure will ^_^ And thank you!

[rackhamrose.livejournal.com]

HAHAHAHAHAHA oh that is beautiful. XD

"Ire of the pointy kind" is my new favourite phrase.

(Also, Von Krolock vs. VanHelsingmovie!Dracula = BEST THING EVER)

[winter]

Thanks :D Gabriel was too polite to mention the scary implications of impaling, methinks ;)

My inner Von Krolock is darkly amused at the whole thing, which is something he does oh so well...

Right. Off now, before anyone wonders why I'm grinning at the computer screen like a loon :> <- is still at work

[shoiryu.livejournal.com]

*DIES* Oh that is glorious, GLORIOUS. Poor Gabriel. (As always!)

[winter]

It's Gabriel's lot in life to suffer at Vlad's whim, it seems :D

[feliciter.livejournal.com]

This was absolutely hilarious from the get-go XD

The image of Roxburgh!Dracula with tinsel in his hair while making his grand speech: priceless.

[winter]

Vlad doesn't let little things like that distract him from his goal ;) Glad you liked it!

[ciciaye.livejournal.com]

Excellent!
CCA

[winter]

Thank you :D

[kyrre.livejournal.com]

*snort* It is hilarious. And why did the phrase "Always mind your surrounding!" pop into my head?

[winter]

Probably because Gabriel does, unless he's overwhelmed by other matters, such as how attractive tinsel looks on Dracula ;)

[guede-mazaka.livejournal.com]

Aw! Befuddled!Gabriel plus PerfectHostess!Vlad equals great crackfic. I love the bit about Vlad annoying Lucifer into kicking him back up to the earthly plane.

[winter]

I think Lucifer's motivation was half annoyance, and half glee at the thought of the fact that now that Vlad had Gabriel in his sights again, it would be Gabe who gets to deal with the annoying human/demon/whatever :D

[sour-suite.livejournal.com]

I first read your story on another website and stumbled again on it this evening. I am in love with this peice. It was very funny and I want to read more. I love your way with all of it. It just sings to me. Thank you so much for writing this. Good day and Good Luck

[winter]

Thank you very much :) Keep an eye on this space - in a few days/weeks I should have a sequel up, because someone requested Gabriel dragging Vlad to a party.

[siennalyamalor.livejournal.com]

that was really cool. ah, mistletoe. gotta love it. that's definitely a different side of vlad.

[(Anonymous)]

Hee! That was superbly funny! I always suspected Dracula was slightly off his rocker... Sticking Carl in the library as a hostage was a definitely nice touch. Thanks muchly for the excellent fic!

~EL